Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan FoxDirector: Michael Bay
Year of Release: 2009
Holy Hell, that sucked! You know, going into Transformers 2 I didn’t have very high expectations. Exploding crap, fighting robots, hot chicks, I get it. But even with low expectations this film was painful to sit through. It goes so far beyond ridiculous that I have to narrow it down to the Top 10 Reasons Transformers 2 Sucked:
10. Whirling robot chaos – when the robots fight, there is so much going on that I can’t even tell where one robot ends and the other begins. It’s just one big flurry of robot crap. I’m all for robots beating the crap out of each other, but this a mess.
9. Egypt is a stereotype from hell – This movie makes Egypt out to be every generic cliche someone who has never been there could possibly come up with. According to this movie, the entire country of Egypt is one big dessert with ancient runes all over the place, camels, and blown-out remnants of walls. The Egyptian people are just ignorant peasant in robes with chickens running around their homes in the middle of the dessert where they all apparently live. It’s ignorant and racist.
8. The “Ghetto” robot twins – Speaking of racist, what’s up with the f-ing Amos and Andy robots? They are practically in blackface doing a minstrel show. It’s just one cliche stereotype after another!
7. All hot chicks want Shia LeBoofus – As if one white hot girlfriend isn’t enough, hottie number two is IMMEDIATELY after Shia. Like his clueless look and awkward behavior is catnip to hot chicks. Okay, for god’s knows what reason, hottie number two is a…
6. Terminator Chick – Since when do Decepticons “transform” into skinny jailbait hot chicks? It’s Terminator 3 all over again but a LOT less believable and a LOT more frickin’ stupid.
5. The Kid’s IDIOT Parents & Roommate – Every minute with the mom and dad was EXCRUCIATING. They were SO annoying and SO stupid and just SO unnecessary! COMPLETE waste of time. And that goes double for his absolute moron college roommate who tags along for absolutely NO REASON and whines and moans the ENTIRE movie. GO DIE NOW!!!!
4. Mystical Robots – Out of nowhere Shia LeBoofus gets visited by some mystical spirit robots or some complete nonsense. And they tell him he’s some kind of chosen leader despite the fact that he spends half the movie bitching about just wanting to be a normal kid. Really? HE’S your chosen one? Couldn’t do ANY better?
3. Decepticons Are WAY More Together Than Autobots – The Autobots just kind of stumble in to things with their soldier buddies. There are only about five of them and Optimus Prime is the only one who really does anything. Yet they keep “beating” the Decepticons who control communication satellites, shoot out back-up robots from space, take six robots and make ONE BIG ROBOT – how are these guys always losing? PLUS whatever the Autobots did to the Decepticons in the first movie is basically pointless because here they come in the second movie pretty much unfazed and ready to go. Megatron is back, no problem. All the rest, no big deal. Why did they just drop Megatron into the ocean in the first one anyway? He comes back like he just had a nap! No sense at all.
2. Too Goddamned Long! – Why in the HELL is this movie two and a half hours long!!!!!?? It was unbearable! They just dragged it out and dragged it out, with more and more lame subplots dumped on top of one another. Every scene with the parents – cut it. Every scene with the college roommate – cut it. Every scene with that government dickhead yelling “I have an order from the PRESIDENT!” over and over and over – cut it!!!!! And that part in the desert where Shia and Megan Fox are trying to run to Optimus Prime lasts FOREVER!!!! Get shot at – run – hide behind a busted up wall – run – watch Megan’s boobs bounce as she runs – repeat for 45 FREAKIN’ MINUTES!!!!!!!
1. Not A Lick of Sense – At some point you just give up. The plot holes just get bigger and bigger and bigger until it’s all you have left. Sure… matrix key, machine to kill the sun, some robot called the Fallen, Energon, all spark, sand, the pyramids… what the f*ck ever.
Just a terrible freakin’ movie. Do NOT waste your time.
