watching movies one cup at a time

The 3 previous Indiana Jones movies were big hits in the ’80s and who didn’t love them? Raiders Of The Lost Ark is still an action film masterpiece almost 30 years later. Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade ended that trilogy and seemed to close the door on the Indy stories as he triumphantly rode off into the sunset after defeating the Nazis for the last time. One has to wonder then why make a fourth Indiana Jones movie almost 20 years after that seemingly final chapter? You would hope that it’s to relive the high entertainment and quality of the first films and get back the thrill you had in the theaters when experiencing them. But sometimes there are just some things that should be left in the past.

I am a big fan of the Indy films and had a blast as a kid watching Raiders several times at the movie theaters (those were the days before VHS). But even back then it was clear that the series got more watered down with each installment. Nothing is going to top Raiders. It is an amazing film. And I liked Temple of Doom with it’s bugs and mine shaft rides. But The Last Crusade was pretty bad. I didn’t like the cutesy interaction with Sean Connery’s character and the whole thing felt like Indiana Jones Lite. Indy is a badass, not a lonely kid looking for his dad’s approval. Not interested. The whole Holy Grail plot felt rushed. There was just no going back to the high point Raiders had set. So the door was closed on Indiana Jones and all involved moved on.

That brings us up to today and the new Indy 4 hitting theaters now, almost 20 years since Crusade. After watching it I can’t help but ask the question again, why make a fourth Indiana Jones movie at all? There was no urgent story that “had to be told.” There were no great revelations here. The Crystal Skull is definitely not the Ark or even the Holy Grail. And if you felt the Crusade plot was rushed, it’s nothing compared to the convoluted and aimless plot of this film.

Rolling Stone accurately described it as “National Treasure meets The X-Files, with a touch of The Goonies, and I don’t mean any of these comparisons as a compliment.” It feels like a clichéd caricature of an Indiana Jones movie with shallow elements pulled in from other films to give Indy and Co. a reason to sword fight, jump off waterfalls, and say things like “Don’t you see!? It’s a MAP!!” Steven Spielberg’s directing tries to make it interesting but there’s just not much to work with here. The one-note villians are Russians this time instead of Nazis, and poor Cate Blanchett is forced to mimic a cartoonish Russian accent while basically posing her way through this weak story with her fancy sword and blunt eye-catching hair cut. However I never got why the Russians were doing any of the things they were doing. There was something about the skull and mind control or whatever. But it’s never really explained in a way that justifies all the effort being made or how exactly Indiana Jones is relevant to any of it. Again, it’s just some X-files mumbo-jumbo tacked on to give Indy an excuse to dust off the Fedora and explore more caves covered in cobwebs because that’s just what you’re supposed to have in an Indiana Jones movie. But this time there’s no spark, no magic, no real joy in any of it, no sense of urgency or purpose. It’s Indiana Jones for Indiana Jones sake, just to put something out there because Lucas can’t leave well enough alone, as established with his continued tinkering with all things Star Wars. In fact, the film never addresses why Indiana Jones is even still doing all that standard Indiana Jones stuff 20 years later. Has the character’s life advanced at all in that time?

Shia LaBeouf plays Indy’s unknown son, a poorly kept plot secret that has been pretty clear since filming began. And while he is decent as a poor man’s Marlon Brando from The Wild One, there just wasn’t much to connect with here. Like Cate Blanchett, he’s stuck in a one-note role and standing next to Harrison Ford, it’s clear he will never be another Harrison Ford. Mr. Even Stevens/Transformers just doesn’t have it in him. River Phoenix playing a young Indiana Jones back in the Last Crusade film for only 15 minutes blew away anything Shia did in this film. And having Karen Allen pop in and revise her Marion character from Raiders feels very much like just a gimmick. Her only real purpose is to establish Shia’s character as Indy’s son. Other than that she is just hanging around in the background with nothing to do. Also, how did the drinking-game / Nepal-bar-owner / tough-girl turn into a soccer mom? It’s like all the interesting elements about her from Raiders were drained out so all that’s left is just a face we remember from 27 years ago. And it was annoying how her and Indy immediately started calling eachother “Dear” and “Babe.” They are not a part of eachothers life for 27 years and almost immediately they are a married couple? I don’t buy it. I don’t buy any of it. This plot just fails at connecting the dots and making anything have any kind of depth or resonance. Again, Indiana Jones Lite.

So you might say to yourself “Okay, the story sucks. But I’m going to this movie for the action!” And yea, I get it, Indiana Jones is more Die Hard than Hamlet. But even the action is weak. Sure there are big elaborate traps and crashing sets. But none of it feels like any real threat. Of course they are going to breeze past anything they encounter. Ho-hum. There is never any real risk. It’s more like some elaborate ride at Disney World. And there are a couple action sequences that are just straight-up stupid. Shia Labeouf swinging through the jungle like Tarzan is stupid. Indiana Jones lost in a nuclear test site, hiding in a refrigerator is stupid. The one cool thing I liked in the movie though were the ants. These crazy Amazon Jungle ants are in this one scene just devouring anything and anyone in their path. It’s pretty cool even if the exact same thing was already done with beetles in The Mummy movies.

Obviously expectations were high for this movie. And George Lucas has said in interviews that he knows the hard core fans are going to hate it since there is no way it can live up to the hype. But again, for the third time, why make the movie at all then? Let the original trilogy live as a standalone series that is revered and cherished. Don’t tarnish it with weak copies and diluted characters for no real reason.