watching movies one cup at a time

Holy Bats**t, Batman! This movie SUCKED! It sucked so fiercely there is a video montage on YouTube of just the sucky parts strung together (shown below in this post). Though one could argue the entire film itself is just one big sucky part. By far the worst Batman film ever, where do we even start with the crimes committed by this movie?

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First of all, Joel Schumacher needs to be beaten with a bat-stick for the two films he helmed. Tim Burton injected a lot of style into the first two and the decision to go in such a radically different direction for the next two was a huge miscalculation by Warner Bros., who appeared to be under the assumption people loved the frickin’ craptastic television show more than the actual comic book that the hero is based on.

George Clooney as Batman doesn’t work. Why? Because it’s George Clooney, it’s never Bruce Wayne. If Danny Ocean put on a batsuit, it would have been the same performance. Chris O’Donnell as Robin is lame. His cocky attitude and jerk factor make every second he is onscreen unbearable. The Robin in the comic books was never this much of an ass. Alicia Silverstone is a joke. She can’t act her way out of a paper bag and changing the character to Barbara Wilson instead of the universally accepted Barbara Gordon, like it has been in every Batman/Batgirl comic over the past 40 years, was just an insult to Batman’s hardcore fans. Hardcore fans that unanimously hated this flick btw. I understand appealing to a wider audience than comic book geeks, but completely alienating them in the process is just plain wrong. As for the bad guys, Arnold Schwarzenegger could not have been more ridiculous. And lo and behold, under 10 years later he’s the frickin’ Governor of California. WTF!? Uma Thurman seems to be having fun playing a vampy Poison Ivy, but like all the characters in this movie she is just a 2-dimensional character saying stupid lines amongst outrageously elaborate Vegas-reject set design.

And do we even need to mention the whole “Bat-nipples” thing? They put frickin’ NIPPLES on the batsuit! Why didn’t they just make him have a bare-chest with a bat logo spray painted over each nipple? Maybe they were saving that for the Batman 5 that thankfully never happened. No doubt it would have starred Sylvester Stallone as Batman and wacky Christopher Lloyd as the Scarecrow. Add to that some gratuitous butt-shots, “sky-boarding” out of an exploding rocketship capsule, “ice” batsuits, a batmobile straight out of Willy Wonka’s factory, and more neon and florescent paint than should be allowed on film and you have 2 hours of wall-to-wall garbage.

I dig super-hero flicks. I dig Batman. But unfortunately for Joel Joel Schumacher I also have a brain that works and there is no way I could ever dig this film.

P.S. I am really really looking forward to 2008’s The Dark Knight.